Cut the ties that bind

Steady schedule online time: Get online. Turn on Yahoo messenger. Click Firefox. Type in 'www.' and scroll down one to Facebook. Click on Facebook. Click on inbox. Click another empty tab. Click on yahoo and check e-mail. Click on Facebook tab. Click on home. Scroll, respond, scroll, respond, scroll 'like', scroll respond. Click on Profile. Click on updates to catch those I may have missed. Click on events. Click 'maybe'. Click on PEER group. Find interesting links to post. Update PEER status message. Update personal status message. Research. Add link. Someone pops on fb chat. Talk. Curse fb chat. Switch to Yahoo messenger. Click click click...

When did I become a fb junkie? I stopped doing Farmville and Restaurant City a long time ago. The only ap. I touch is tetris... and... well it's just tetris. Even in the middle of the night, there's better things to do. When did I stop writing? When did I stop doing what I want to do? I felt a compulsion (yes, I have a bit of undiagnosed OCD tendencies). I have to be on top of everything. Be aware... Control freak? *nods and raises her hand* Facebook is a great way to be connected. Connect to your friends. Connect to your events. Instant gratification via the internet. *coughs* Well... you know what I mean.

It's good to give yourself a vacation. From work. Sure. From people. Yup. From Facebook. *nods* Sometimes your energy can be placed somewhere... less-than-premium. You can't always go to the beach and get away, but you can say "I'm going to take back two hours of my schedule today and do something different with it." Re-investing my time with something else. 14 hours/week of walks, play, joy, coffee dates, writing and maybe... just maybe meditation. Nah, I'm not going to stay offline, or even away from Facebook forever. I just need a break. And some reflection.

Analyze your whole self and you can see what you cannot while existing as a reactionary person. I can see this problem in other people... and told them many times "take care of yourself first." I need my own medicine and damn it... I'm taking it. What spurred this thought was a strange thing actually. Having nothing to do with fb. Someone accused me of not showing discretion concerning a magically oriented group. I realized my reaction was intense. Who me? I am the pillar of tact! Moreso, she reminded me that the group was a men's only group and no women were allowed so I needed to mind my own business and really you should have known and I'm telling you this because other people think the same way and by the way love and light. (mind you I've been attending their open meetings for the past 10 months regularly) She's making a mountain out of a mole hill... and selling shit with a touch of sugar at the end. *chuckles* It made me laugh at first. Then maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was because I just finished a four hour reading for someone... but I reacted strongly. I got very angry. I don't get angry like that. So, anything that helps me reflect on who I am and how I react and my motivations helps me. I don't like it, but I'm glad that this happened.

Even though I don't care what a lot of people think, I care what my friends think. Especially if I do something that offends them. I want to be aware of what they think and how they feel... so when I was challenged for crossing a line by being involved in a men's spirituality group... I suddenly worried. I worried I was not being respectful. That I had broken the integrity of my honor system. That somehow I missed it.

That's what bothered me the most. That I missed it... I missed the imaginary tactful tap tap taps that someone sends out saying I'm going too far. That I'm infringing on them. That I was being disrespectful. That is what got me angry. And that was a sign I needed to step back from the situation.

And so I did. I'm going to use all of the energy that I would in responding to her, all of the energy I have placed in fb and turning it inward. I'm going to pamper my Self. And yes, I did miss it. I missed the fact that I care too much about stuff that doesn't really matter. I must let go... and enjoy the ride.

Blessings,
Greymentality