Restful Trees (a personal post)

Today I rest. The music of the wind shivering the tiny yellow leaves on a mostly green tree fill me with peace. Normally my mind is fast moving and flitting back and forth between thought and effort. Today my mind rests.

Over the last three weeks, I've become all aspects of womanhood for a moment. It sounds like something someone would say to explain away some bit of wisdom taken from a lighthearted and maternal moment. No. Two weeks ago I had a loss. It feels like two months... funny how time slows. I have moved forward with vigor to live life to the fullest. Dancing. Laughing. Screaming. Today I cry. I know that this isn't all that interesting a post. It's much more personal and close to me. But, I had to write. I had to write somewhere where my family doesn't pry. Where my coworkers won't leer. I had to write about an emotion that has no name. I don't know if this will make logical sense, since emotion is rarely logical.

I was the Maiden. I became the Mother. And now I am the Crone. Creation and Death dwelled within me. I mourn and rest. Soon I will live faster. Breathe harder. Smile brighter. Today, there is no rule for that. There are gentle smiles. There are soft steps. Tomorrow my words may be sharper. I will not care when someone cries. I will not hold someone who fears. All of my care and compassion are for me now. And I will drink it up until I am filled.

And I am a better woman for it. I am the dark mother... and I am healing.

Kitchen Witch is not "Pagan" for Baker

Ok... just a little moment here. When doing introductions at our local PNO, one of the ladies there introduced herself as a Kitchen Witch. In fact, the only one that did so out of a room of 30. She brought brownies (which were decidedly yummy) and is credited with numerous cakes and delicious treat crafting. However... she is not a Kitchen Witch.

I know that I cannot judge her fully because... well... I'm not there with her all the time watching her do whatever it she does. Spellcraft. Rites. Mixing potions. Etc. But, I can at least judge her solidly from what I've observed. So I will... just because her blase attitude toward magic is conversely pissing me off and making me laugh at what she's pulling down toward her.

Just because you cook or enjoy cooking does not mean you are a Kitchen Witch. Hell, even if you are Pagan and like to cook and bake... again... does not mean you are a Kitchen Witch. Heck, doesn't even mean you're a Witch. She mentioned on her status line on a networking site that she needed more Pagan friends because her Christian friends outnumbered her Pagan friends (News Flash! Pagans are in the minority... course we're going to be freakin' smaller in number!) Then she went on and said something like "Don't worry Christians, we won't sacrifice you." Oh, and the reason she needs more Pagan friends? The actual reason she gave? Was because she's a Libra and she needs 'balance.' *rolls eyes* It means that you do not value your Christian friends because they are Christian. Which makes you a prejudiced f*** and a stupid mo fo for friending people just because they're Pagan. *blink blink* Hello? Anybody in there? You are not selective or thoughtful with what you do or say... Witches generally do that. Ok, I know, there's those that spew words like projectile vomit and still practice magic. I'll grant you, but... what about this...

"I'm a Dragon." No, you're a woman with a tattoo of a dragon. You do not have the self-respect enough to claim that title firstly. Though I try very hard to . And someday... someday you will meet a real one... *contemplates* no, probably not. You claim to see 'fairies' when there are none. You hallucinate and don't care about your body. Your voice remains the same as it was when you were six and you are now 43. Oh, and to top it off. A friend of mine received a tarot reading from her. So, instead of giving thoughtful advice or at least expressing what the cards reveal. You hit on her and ask her to have a threesome with your boyfriend. Yes. Witches do that. You are not trusted. You lie to yourself. And your soul music is out of tune. You hurt my ears.

~Ok rant done~

Thoughts on pheromones...

Ok. The other night I was an observer of an interesting sensual-attraction-event from which a friend of mine was the orchestrator/cause. I was warned in advance that her control of this talent was somewhat off as she noticed the attention shift increase. See, she had lost a friend and hadn't been as... reins-in with this interesting gift. She really does have to be, or things get hairy. My friend has something we call (lovingly and semi-in jest) the Mary Effect. For some reason men (and gay/bi women) are extraordinarily attracted to her. Yes she's lovely (I'm biased since she is my best friend). Her beauty exudes from the way she handles herself and her body language. But, she explains and I agree that it is an exercise in energy manipulation first and foremost. Close to a glamour, if not exactly that. She had 7 people she already knew out and out proposition/hit on her, some of them people she considers friends. It didn't matter the location as it occurred throughout the day and was more or less an area effect. I played wing-girl, which was actually fun. An interesting thing to note in how the energy that was spread out around her, other 'competing' energies fizzled out and dissipated and then were replaced with what she was projecting outward, a programmed sexually charged field that was presented in an elegant modest format.

So how's this so different than any woman putting out signals? Well... it is one of the more intense effects I've seen and amusing in a "Oh the poor dear" kind of way. Maybe it is just that, sending out signals. Physical cues. Smells. Pheromones. Looks. But when an energy worker has access to enhancing these things, it can be dangerous and very entertaining (from a purely Id perspective of course). She mentioned to me that a long time ago she had to change how she viewed men. "Men are not prey."

Last night I had a similar incident which seems to continue on into the day. I suddenly realized last night that I was doing my own version. Men and women were drawn to me in a much more potent manner. Even at work today, I had four outright mega flirtations, which is actually abnormal for me. I get little flirts and smiles normally. Even my manager said I looked different and he couldn't put his finger on it after saying whatever it was it was good. I think he thought I had a haircut or something... The only problem with this, is that I don't know how to shut it off yet. I'm working on it... and enjoying it... and toying with ideas. Well... pheromones or whatever subtle cues I have are being lit up like a Christmas Tree. I will remember that men aren't prey. And hopefully, those who sense whatever it is I'm sending out will not think I am prey either. *shrug* We shall see. I may update this seeing as I'm falling fast into sleep.

Blessings,
Greymentality

To be continued....

Ordinary

The most ordinary of days belong to beauty. The semi-warm summer days. The partly cloudy skies. Doing errands. looking outside and hearing the same birds chirping or cawing. It's ordinary.

Ordinary things bump into ordinary things and depending on how the light hits them, we can see how amazing existence really is. We ignore it so often that life is dull. Our silver infused days become lackluster and just a piece of the junk we deal with, not the craft we weave and hammer and dance into being. I love my ordinary day. I love the way the blinds make the light flicker on the curtains.

Such a small little thought can change so much the way of the world. Simplicity, like a mountain stream, carves more deeply than shallow handholds of scoffing words. For this, I am thankful.

Blessings,
Grey

Cut the ties that bind

Steady schedule online time: Get online. Turn on Yahoo messenger. Click Firefox. Type in 'www.' and scroll down one to Facebook. Click on Facebook. Click on inbox. Click another empty tab. Click on yahoo and check e-mail. Click on Facebook tab. Click on home. Scroll, respond, scroll, respond, scroll 'like', scroll respond. Click on Profile. Click on updates to catch those I may have missed. Click on events. Click 'maybe'. Click on PEER group. Find interesting links to post. Update PEER status message. Update personal status message. Research. Add link. Someone pops on fb chat. Talk. Curse fb chat. Switch to Yahoo messenger. Click click click...

When did I become a fb junkie? I stopped doing Farmville and Restaurant City a long time ago. The only ap. I touch is tetris... and... well it's just tetris. Even in the middle of the night, there's better things to do. When did I stop writing? When did I stop doing what I want to do? I felt a compulsion (yes, I have a bit of undiagnosed OCD tendencies). I have to be on top of everything. Be aware... Control freak? *nods and raises her hand* Facebook is a great way to be connected. Connect to your friends. Connect to your events. Instant gratification via the internet. *coughs* Well... you know what I mean.

It's good to give yourself a vacation. From work. Sure. From people. Yup. From Facebook. *nods* Sometimes your energy can be placed somewhere... less-than-premium. You can't always go to the beach and get away, but you can say "I'm going to take back two hours of my schedule today and do something different with it." Re-investing my time with something else. 14 hours/week of walks, play, joy, coffee dates, writing and maybe... just maybe meditation. Nah, I'm not going to stay offline, or even away from Facebook forever. I just need a break. And some reflection.

Analyze your whole self and you can see what you cannot while existing as a reactionary person. I can see this problem in other people... and told them many times "take care of yourself first." I need my own medicine and damn it... I'm taking it. What spurred this thought was a strange thing actually. Having nothing to do with fb. Someone accused me of not showing discretion concerning a magically oriented group. I realized my reaction was intense. Who me? I am the pillar of tact! Moreso, she reminded me that the group was a men's only group and no women were allowed so I needed to mind my own business and really you should have known and I'm telling you this because other people think the same way and by the way love and light. (mind you I've been attending their open meetings for the past 10 months regularly) She's making a mountain out of a mole hill... and selling shit with a touch of sugar at the end. *chuckles* It made me laugh at first. Then maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was because I just finished a four hour reading for someone... but I reacted strongly. I got very angry. I don't get angry like that. So, anything that helps me reflect on who I am and how I react and my motivations helps me. I don't like it, but I'm glad that this happened.

Even though I don't care what a lot of people think, I care what my friends think. Especially if I do something that offends them. I want to be aware of what they think and how they feel... so when I was challenged for crossing a line by being involved in a men's spirituality group... I suddenly worried. I worried I was not being respectful. That I had broken the integrity of my honor system. That somehow I missed it.

That's what bothered me the most. That I missed it... I missed the imaginary tactful tap tap taps that someone sends out saying I'm going too far. That I'm infringing on them. That I was being disrespectful. That is what got me angry. And that was a sign I needed to step back from the situation.

And so I did. I'm going to use all of the energy that I would in responding to her, all of the energy I have placed in fb and turning it inward. I'm going to pamper my Self. And yes, I did miss it. I missed the fact that I care too much about stuff that doesn't really matter. I must let go... and enjoy the ride.

Blessings,
Greymentality

What's in a title?

Well, I've had a discussion with my mother not too long ago. I realized it was time for me to use her preconceived notions and thoughts on the word Witch to my benefit. I decided to dethrone that term in my house with my mother. Since her definition will always include a nauseated ick feeling, I am reclaiming my 'title' as energy practitioner. Yes, I know. Titles are only as important as you make them. Yet if using them with others, they can be quite powerful.

About seven years ago I told my mother I could see 'auras.' About six years ago I told her I could see 'spirits/ghosts.' About five years ago I told her I could see the future. And then, I told her I was a Witch. Crash, boom, bam, collapse! My gentle crafting of understanding... or at least setting a stage to understanding... crashed under the weight of that word. I defined it. I explained it. And, yet... who'd a thunk that someone's thought process could crush my long balanced plan? Oh yes... something about the power of thought... and belief... Anyway... Before my mother wanted me to be a 'psychic.' It's so much easier to understand and even easier to explain to your family friends. However the term psychic seems to denotes that it is just innate abilities and gifts instead of hard work and practice. So, I threw that out the window as I didn't like the way it felt on my person. So, I chose a little over 11 years ago the term Witch. It was somewhat vague. Had a good connotation in my mind. It meant a person who practices magic and spellcraft. Poof. Yay. There ya go. I used it with people who understood the word at least somewhat correlating with my understanding. It worked (and still does to some degree).

When I was having one of those moments not too long ago about cutting up my illusion on life... shredding it out and breathing in the new skin of existence (gotta have those every once in a while)... I decided. Why the hell do I need that word? Yes, it means something to me. Yes it's easier when going around the circle explaining your beliefs just to say "Witch." But, perhaps by claiming that word I've become lazy. It's so much easier to just reclaim a word... or so I thought. Think about reclaimed wood. Sometimes it's at the bottom of a lake. Isn't it easier just to cut down a new piece of lumber instead of getting on a dive suit, scouting out murky waters, finding your treasure, going back up, waving someone over with the crane/boat, going back down in the water and hooking it up praying that the chains don't damage your find and that it will be worth it in the end. For those who like reclaimed wood. Yes. It is very worth it. It has a beauty that a brand new treated timber doesn't have. It has age. It has experience. It has a new life. Oh, and it's a green solution. And... it costs more.

Though the shift of understanding of the world Witch has increased dramatically over the last 20 years, at least concerning New Age practices, it still has hundreds of years of connotation that goes along with it. Are you really a healer in your community birthing babies and making love spells for two chickens and a hat? Are you someone who makes talismans out of hair, fingernails and iron? Are you an enemy to the church? Are you someone to be feared? Are you a hermit in the woods luring children into your oven with sweets and delectable treats? Do you curse men who have an ego to become the beasts they truly are? Do you hear the voice of God as you lead men into battle? I mean... there's a lot of things added to this word.

...and I have to say, some of it works for me. In the spirit of efficiency, however, I'd have to say it is easier to put forth my energy to explain this. "I'm an energy practitioner." Most people would say "Oh, what's that?" or "How do you mean?" (at least if they're curious) Then I can send my impression of what it means into their mind by the magic of words. I can use my associations with that title and create a new neural path in their minds... ok yes, they're doing the work for me... but still... It's easier. And maybe I am a little lazy, but I have more important things to worry about than what others think about me. Like, is the milk really out of date two days after the expiration date or when do I need to sign up for that class or hell... LIFE IS TOO IMPORTANT TO GET STUCK INSIDE IT. Pardon.. felt like yelling. :) But truth often does that. Yells and screams and stabs you in your eye. It's only your own fault if you can't feel it or hear it.

So, I learned a lot from my mother. How to make a great chili. How to refinish a house. But, this most of all. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But sometimes... the pound of cure is necessary.

Blessings you crazy people,
Greymentality

Stop making me laugh... You're making me hurt!

Perfect love. Perfect trust. Something associated with circles all over the country. Saying and doing are completely different things. A professional thing to remember when working with your coven members. It hits at the heart of working as a unit. It even helps the solo artist. Perfect love and perfect trust goes a long way when working alone. But, why is there so much freakin' drama? For instance...

Event 1: A fallout of a magical house. Emotional fireworks lead to drama as a member is cast out from the circle. Everyone is angry and wants everyone else to know their point of view and why theirs is closest to the truth.

Event 2: Misunderstanding among a solitary and someone who is a leader among local Pagan circles. Gossip surrounds the solitary practitioner and each feel like they must defend their position. People choose their side and wait for a moment when it really matters... the situation biding its time until the metaphorical fur flies.

Event 3: Two solitaries discuss emotional turmoil in their romantic relationships and share their thoughts with each other. As they do so they discover a vibrant connection energetically and realize that they would make great magical partners. One is willing to take a chance and proposition the other. The other is not willing to go that far, but acknowledges that facet. The dynamic of the two makes a promising working connection, yet the chemistry might be cause of an issue in the future.

Why do we do this? Why can't we just have a professional relationship with everyone else? Well... first off, probably because we're human. Second, it wouldn't be near as fun. Third, the only way to steer clear of drama of any sort is to not connect to anyone else and just be alone. Then, you have to deal with the drama of yourself. (Anyone seen Castaway?... yeah... tell me Wilson didn't invent drama after he was invented for that purpose...) Drama, in small doses is just social interaction. That is important in any social circles to help us reflect and challenge our views and practices. It's not a bad thing to choose sides. It's not a bad thing to challenge your morals. It's not a bad thing at all to have a struggle. How else will we learn?

When we focus on not letting go and holding on to the anger, the torment, the worry, the dramatic situations of the past... we build our foundation on sand.

After a time we become immune to the small doses of friction and tug-of-war. We want more. We want more violence to stoke our imagination. We want to hear the torture stories of someone coming out of a bad relationship. We want to observe pain from a safe distance and be the saviors... or maybe we are just sadists that don't have the heart to go through and hurt someone just for our pleasure so we seek out those already hurting and savor the stories... the hurt... just like watching a movie. Or maybe we wait till someone tells their story just for the chance to share your pain stories.

"After he beat me... I knew I had to leave."

"Oh that reminds me of when I was with Phil... he never hit me but he was a manipulator..."

Sharing stories can be a bonding experience. But, by reliving your past you take the chance of cutting open those old wounds and reveling in them. Masochist time! We think that by sharing our pain with the world it will make it go away. I don't know who started that idea... maybe therapists in the days of old... just to make a buck. "Go ahead, talk. It'll make you feel better."
You know, sometimes it does. It helps sort through things, but over a time... sharing over and over and over again, you repeat pain. You dampen your spirits. And darn it, I have had enough of that.

This is one of the reasons why I prefer to practice alone. People get in the way. So, I let them go. It's interesting... you notice the people who are actually interested in all of you when you let them be free to leave and not feed into their social addictions and predilections. They run through you like a sieve. It's sometimes better to not be noticed. But, if you are a figurehead for a group or a Lieutenant for a circle... sometimes the fur will fly and you'll have to catch it. Sometimes drama will hit you on your face like a warm piece of... pie. Then what do you do?

You handle it.

You let them yell. You let them scream. When they're tired enough, you respond and let them be on their way. You choose your battles. You stand your ground. Sometimes you just listen. But whatever you do... as a leader... whatever you do. Do not... under any circumstances... lose your sense of humor. :)

All of it. The agony. The he said/she said. The sickness of self... It is frakin' hilarious. Yes, be serious for a bit. Yes, hold the person and say things will work out. But you know, life's too short to live in a puddle and realize it's raining yellow. And if you do, laugh at it. Cause it's a joke. Life, with all its pleasures, experiences, sorrow, imagination, agony... it is, the Divine Punchline.

So, perhaps instead of jumping into the drama and choosing which colors to fight for... maybe a little giggle would be a better way to handle things. Hell, maybe an out and out cackle. I do a pretty mean one at that. ;)

Blessings people,
Greymentality