Motivations in Magic

Why did we start this in the first place?

I was simply wondering that just now. I have no clue what this post will sound like. It might sound like I feel, tired and half-dressed. It is, after all, 2am on a weeknight. But still... back to the point. Why did we start this in the first place?

Some people just want something new and different. Others want to feel powerful in their lives...and sometimes feel powerful over others. (heck a lot of the time over others) Maybe some want to heal others through learning energy work and the like. Still others want to find the meaning to life though a way that isn't taught in...hell, Sunday school.

So, why? I know why I did it...that hook as it were. I was intrigued. A boy I knew knew a little something something and poof! I had to know it all. Well...I didn't end up knowing it all as you might have guessed... but as a lot of you know, you can't really just turn off what you already know. You can't unring a great big cow bell. (not without serious doubt and denial surrounding your every step) So, after the guy, and after a lot of drama, I found myself alone in all this. It was just me and my labyrinth of a mind. Ok, so I figured out that there's more than that. But, still... The more I learn, the less I know. And, the more I learn, the less I want to deal with people. Yet, I feel at home with the choice of choosing this lifestyle. So, at home with magic. Not so sure about the people practicing it. Funny, huh?

After deciding that people aren't always worth it, I was pre-nominated to be next year's Secretary in our local CUUPs (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans) chapter. So, I'm wondering now, what is my motivation? I hate politics, but this is a small group. And, I like my group. They're a lovely bit of people. Still...drama...it lurks. So, now I'm just pondering...what is my motivation? It takes me back to my intrigue at the beginning. It takes me back to my "why?"

Why did I start this... To help people. So vague. But still...I can't unring that bell...and I can't ignore who I am. I am that woman that keeps children from falling out of their shopping carts when they stand up. I'm that young lady that you ask how you are I say "I'm happy!" and mean it. I'm also the friend that backs you up and makes the tea. So, my motivation in all this should still remain the same as it is in my life. To help people. *sigh* I guess dealing with magic-oriented people is a magic of its own. I might as well try it out and get good at it. Yay, another talent. *chuckle* Wish me luck!

Peace be,
Grey

Sorted Solitary Saunterings

So, as a magical practitioner, the only thing that matters here is what you think. What you know.

Simple enough, but very vague. I was just thinking. Here I am, chillin’...alone with whatever I do. Occasionally joining people for circle or festivals, but hardly ever explaining what I do to its fullest degree. Heck, I doubt that is possible. It’s like trying to describe the intimacy of a lovers embrace or the complexity of intangible algorithms. Most people don’t look at me as anything more than just a young woman with a bright face. Yes, my face is bright. I often get mistaken for a teenager…as I’m sure I wouldn’t mind when I hit 40. Getting carded will seem a great deal less a nuisance and more of a flattery. But, I digress. Basically, I put on a face of youth and smiles, because it’s easier that way. A lot of practitioners are themselves introverts, and by being so extroverted I can keep them away from me. How can you get a good response from someone being themselves genuine if you aren't being so yourself?

I used to think I wanted to be with others when it came down to practicing magic. Circles or covens. It started out that way. Only a few of us fumbling along. Now, I feel much more attune to my own inner workings as just me, myself, and I. Why is that? Why does someone choose a solitary existence when they are in fact very social in their nature? Perhaps that is one of the only sacred pieces of their life they have left. Something untouched by others. Something with power and purity. But as I get older, I find myself not wanting to reach out to others. I don’t need them. So, is that a sad thing? A selfish thing? *shrug* I’m not sure. I do know that despite my love of learning new things, I can get set in my ways. I have to make myself talk to new people. Network. Risky, I know, but important.


Here’s what I think, what I know. It’s up to me to allow others inside. Doesn’t hurt to take a chance in meeting others and maybe learn a thing or two. At least you won’t get stagnant, and that’s worst of all. A gangrenous spirit is an unhappy spirit. Still…I’m not sure if I’m ready to open up my sacred self to anyone. It’s not my way. I wouldn’t mind, however, a few people to chit-chat with. I don’t think I’d mind that at all.

Quiet Musings on Spring

I'm going to miss the cold. Strange I say that, because I love the Spring. But, I really will this time. Still, time does its thing. We flow along natures cycle. The buds pop out so that instead of brown we see the lightest of green sprinkled on the scenery. Our pansies are just now looking full, and it's almost time to pull them up. People seem happier now that they're out of their houses. There's a promise of light. From equal light and dark, we turn to where the light has majority.

The shadows will look different. Not as long. Not as striped. More noises outside. Frogs. Crickets. The silence that I will miss will be gone. That sacred silence. I rarely feel this way. I usually welcome Spring so fully, and now that it has spun around, I'm not sure what to do with myself. I will still face the sun and welcome it. I always do.

Well, Happy Ostara to those who celebrate it.

And, Happy Spring. Before long, Summer will be hunting us down...with sunburn. :)

Prison Outreach

Our local group of CUUPS (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans) got a letter in the mail from an inmate at our regional detention centers. He is interested in Wicca (Paganism, etc). The Chaplain asked us if we were interested in a Prison Outreach program, to help others start their own worship. To see what they need for rituals and such. We accepted.

Two of us in the group and the UU's Reverend decided to go down and meet the Chaplain. This is something very new to me and would love some thoughts on the subject if anyone is reading this. Right now this is very fresh in our minds. We're planning on donating a few books for the further education on the subject for the man who wants the information as well as perhaps for those who are also interested there. Bonewits has been thrown out there as a definite author we want shown. As to other authors, we haven't made as much an decision on it yet.

Ideas? Thoughts?

Still trying not to care and laughing

It's working better than I thought it would. At least, reminding myself to not care is working better than I thought it would. Ok, that article I posted on Witchvox, is totally not my best work. It is sketchy and is basically me rambling. *shrug* Oh well, such is life. I love to ramble. I may have said something that makes little sense in there... my sarcasm isn't as biting as it could be. In fact, I'm lacking quite a lot in that department depending on the subject matter. But, I was aiming at 'sarcasm.' Someone actually thought I meant that 'rpgs' were the same thing as Wicca. They emailed me to say that Wicca doesn't have anything to do with throwing fireballs. I actually emailed them back to say thanks for the honesty, and they gave me a bad addy. I didn't like thinking that someone else thought I was ignorant on that subject. So, now I'm trying not to care. I caught myself caring what someone I don't even know thinks about what I do with my life and my article. The hell with that. I'm laughing at it! Important thing that, laughter.

I'm a perfectionist. This is a blessing and a curse. But, I was also brought up to care a lot about a lot of different things. So, I was an equal opportunity care..giver? I guess that's appropriate. So I am making a choice not to care. Giving someone power over yourself is stupid. I'm not going to do it. :) Laughter. Best medicine, yes?

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I simply plan on not caring

There are a lot of things you can care about. You care for your pets. You care about your mother's feelings. You care about how you get to work on Monday. Sometimes, you have to put a stop as to what you care about, or you'll go mad. At least you'll start taking on guilt that is coming only from you and is not in any way warranted.

I find it easy to start guilting myself into such things. "Oh, you wrote and sent that essay to Witchvox in the middle of the night. It can't be any good...oh no...they're posting it...damn it! I shoulda done that when I was awake!" I'm just not going to care. Today I made a decision to not care about that. As an avid worrywort, I grab onto such things. Now, I'm less of one these days than in years past. That is a good step in the right direction. A friend of mine reminded me that "Worry is negative prayer"-Le. So, I'm going to just do what I can to live and get through things, thrive, and try to get out better on the other end. That's all I can do, and if I don't make it. I don't make it. If I can't make Carolina Spirit Quest, I'll just have to go next year. (although it is looking quite fun with drumming and such..anyway) Life goes on.

I don't know what'll happen when I have kids. I have a feeling my worrywortness will return like the plague. But, I digress. Just remember the past doesn't exist and the future doesn't exist. They are only ideas that can hinder or hurt you on your walk. So, good luck not worrying. It'll lower your blood pressure I'm sure. Life is lighter when you let go.

Spring Cleaning: Are you sure of yourself?

I love this time of year. Everything crisp. Multitudes of cold Spring rain. You can always smell it, Spring that is. It is that time of year, another cleansing. Clearing out the closets. Changing up your style. It just feels like the right time of year to shift.

After a long Winter of reflection, it is a good time to reflect one more time. A final reflection before you activate your movement. Before action shifts from a more mental atmosphere. Sometimes your thoughts are soft and gentle. Sometimes they are hostile and rip at your old self. Have you noticed that people forget that creation is a violent process? It is lovely. It is majestic. It is painful. We must adapt. We haven't died yet, so we must adapt. There are no other options. Nature dictates this. Even if you only adapt a small amount, just to get by...you still must shift. That is why this time of year is so interesting. It represents a turning again.

So, why are you here? What is your goal? Why are you doing what you are doing right now? Are you happy? Are you proud? So many more questions waiting in the wings. All of this, this is the friction. This is what hides in Spring's shadows. The shadows hide what you don't want to see. Your shortcomings. The things that you find least tasteful about your character. We all have them. Are you really more egotistical than everyone thinks? Do you lie about who you are everyday and it just kills you? Or perhaps, does it not kill you to lie everyday. Something I've discovered about myself this past Winter is that I haven't asked enough questions.

Why? I always loved that question. For a while, I just stopped asking. I just wanted to be comfortable. But, the only thing constant is change. It turns you, even if you don't want to be turned. I think that's enough. It's just my thoughts on a screen. Black and white. It doesn't matter, because what is most important is not on this screen. It is 42. :) Or is it?