Among dog toys, dirty dishes, unmade beds and the squeaking of a hedgehog... I found my center. Yes yes, I cleaned up the dishes....basically. I made the bed and corralled the toys. Then, I went to the gym. I have come to the point where I need to better my body as well as my spirit. It's all energy right? I've been taking long walks with the dog the past week and broke my record time on the elliptical. I've actually been having mindful exercise and healthy activity. So... why did I start thinking this way? I mean... I've had similar thoughts before about being active. But, why now?
One night as I was going to sleep, I started... well having a discussion with myself. The shadow self, the unknown threw some things in my face that I needed to deal with. Well, one thing. I'm fat. Obese. Yes, I think I'm beautiful. Yes I think I'm sexy. But no, I do not treat my body the way it deserves. I weigh 225lbs and am 5'4". I have all of the ingredients to get myself to the health level I know I should be... I'm just lazy. I'd rather be on the computer than taking walks. I'd rather be watching t.v. than playing sports. I've been ignoring a problem in my life for a long time.
Enough of that... lets discuss the need to be healthy as a Pagan, heck as a witch. As a Pagan, I view nature as sacred. The neutral awe-inspiring beauty and savage terror associated with all that is. Nature, with its small shows of compassion paralleled with the cravings of survival... if I were to go out into the woods...and survive... I'd have it much more difficult than someone who weighed 100lbs less than me. When a predator is chasing you, you only have to outrun the slowest person... and... that would be me. >_< Anywho, I'm not presenting myself as sacred to the divine. The body is the expression of the strands and particles that form out of an amazing pattern of my ancestors... DNA... water, carbon and trace elements + spark = me. So, why do I want to kill myself early? I'd rather be here celebrating life and doing my work. And as a witch, well... anyone who understand energy mechanics will know that someone who is out of shape will not let flow energy as well as someone (with the same skill level) who is in shape. It'll make me a better witch. A better Pagan. A better woman.
So, this is all the same stuff you've probably heard before. On shows like "The Biggest Loser" and the infomercials of "Jenny Craig." People saying "I hate getting clothes just so that they'd fit me... I hate that I can't go on rides with my child because of my weight..." All of this I've heard before. I've felt similarly before. It's like someone who smokes cigarettes and wants to quit... you gotta keep trying or you'll never succeed. I know that my local Pagan community, just like the rest of the U.S. is fighting this. Does anyone know of a Pagan weight-loss/health groups so that people could check in and share online or heck offline? I've looked and couldn't find one...course I didn't look to hard. I've been off my tuchus lately and not in front of the pc as much. Which is good... I'm just thankful and excited about the fact that I'm going to look exactly like I look when I dream, instead of the woman who ate her.
Blessings,
Greymentality
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Curses, Anger, Ethics and Chili
Deep...fire...a heart blackened by adrenaline streaked anger. Hands that tremor normally are suddenly still. A chest that would normally be warm is now spreading out piping hot heat toward the appendages. A face that's autopilot includes a gentle if not goofy smile and eyes understandingly soft has shifted to another face. A face from the darker side of emotion and character. Usually it is kept chained underneath pleasantries and ethics. Usually people push it under the rug only letting it sneak to the top when a button is pushed or the boiling point is reached. The face of anger.
As a child, I was taught how to 'control' anger... only instead of control, they meant ignore until it goes away or become passive or even put the anger felt to others on yourself. I've been trying to give anger the respect it deserves as an adult, but I haven't felt a pure anger without sadness mixed in before, until now. Within the past week (I will not include too detailed a synopsis because that would be airing my laundry a bit too much), I've observed the consequences of two women siphoning money from someone I love who is 81 years old and has dementia. Over the past 6 months, they have found a way to take over $10,000, more or less, of his savings for their greed. He is not rich either. For the first time in... ever... I've had a seriously strong urge to curse someone.
I felt the dark flame rise up. I went through my repertoire of efficient craftings I've learned over the years... ways to make a curse as potent and painful as possible. The pros and cons of using blood... The ways to tear at their chords in order to make them spring back like a cat o' nine tails. The Law of Return. The most emotionless to the most passionate. The sharp to the slow. I felt it. I knew. I could do this more easily than heal the situation. And oh...would it be sweet. I knew... and I did not do this.
I didn't refrain because of the fact that this could cause serious damage to someone's life and all the lives associated with them. I didn't refrain because they may die. I didn't refrain because it would be a slow torture that I'd feel badly about later. I refrained because I knew it wasn't me. I've always known that if anyone messes with those I love, I'd return some sort of...something to the situation. No mercy. Well, it didn't occur exactly how I'd expected. So, I know that saying this might seem that I'm showing my hand to those who may want to take advantage of someone and think..."Oh, she's an open target...won't fight back when pushed..." No. I just knew that the damage to my character would cause me more harm than good if I continued vengeance on pitiful human beings that would smuggle money from a man who deserves respect as an elder. I can't just ram into everything and be done with it. The situation is in need of delicate work. Besides, if I cursed someone it would indeed be a powerful one with the emotion behind it. But, I wouldn't have sorted out the working... there would be consequences on the karmic level to not only me, but those I love and care for.
So what does it mean to curse? Merriam-Webster Online says that to curse means (other than saying insolent things to a person): to call upon divine or supernatural power to send injury upon or to bring great evil upon. (1) Yup. Sounds about right. Now, some people split hairs and say that they send out a karmic-retribution spell. "It's not a curse, it's their karma coming back on them." Well, it's gonna hurt ain't it? Curse! Now. I thought about doing this as well. Less energy used on my end. All of their karma on top of what they're up to. Poof! Bam! Wack! Drip drip... ka-flunk. Thud. Nothing so amusing as the Karma Fairy popping down in a glittery cloud only to hit someone over the head with a metallic heavy blunt instrument in the shape of a baseball bat. As someone who has faith that the divine will work things out... I need to have faith that this will indeed happen at some point for those women. Only... karmic justice isn't my job. I told my brother that I am a tool for the divine and I do what I need to do...not always what I want to do.
This is one of the occasions where I must bite my spell flinging tongue and help the person who is in trouble and in need of healing. It's more difficult in my opinion to heal than it is to destroy. It takes more time usually... Now, there is a chance I might change my mind depending on the situation. However, if I do end up cursing someone... it will be a surgical strike and not a rampant rage-fest. I do wonder though... how many people who practice use curses as a regular and normal part of their lives? Depending on their perspective on how they live their life, have they found a way to make it a healthy part of their spiritual journey? Is it easier to be a passion flogged hedonist or a tedious priestess in order to send out a curse? Where does morality sink in here?
The logical side of myself steadied my hand and I decided to instead analyze the variety of frustration I was feeling. So... in response to this spiritual experimentation and grumblies, tonight I made chili as it was doing all sorts of cold weather today. Sunny, then pea-sized hail, then rain, then sleet, then rain and snow, then quiet cold... I figured chili will make up for it. I spoke with my mother while I stirred the pot splattering the microwave with tomato bits. We laughed. We hugged. We shared thoughts. We listened.
I realized the subtleties of having a mother who wants to give and create a lovingly warm night of family bonding and laughter is just as important as the subtle sharpness I felt in my shadow self. The warmth is tastier and enjoyable. The cold is easier to notice and feed off of. What do my ethics tell me of using my light and dark emotions alongside my Craft? It says: Use them both. Use them both, but be honorable in your work. Too much cold will kill parts of yourself while too much warmth can keep you from learning from the ignored and unseen. Now, you just know yourself better. Now you are ready to learn more. Even the flame holds a shadow...
Blessings,
Greymentality
(1) http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cursing
As a child, I was taught how to 'control' anger... only instead of control, they meant ignore until it goes away or become passive or even put the anger felt to others on yourself. I've been trying to give anger the respect it deserves as an adult, but I haven't felt a pure anger without sadness mixed in before, until now. Within the past week (I will not include too detailed a synopsis because that would be airing my laundry a bit too much), I've observed the consequences of two women siphoning money from someone I love who is 81 years old and has dementia. Over the past 6 months, they have found a way to take over $10,000, more or less, of his savings for their greed. He is not rich either. For the first time in... ever... I've had a seriously strong urge to curse someone.
I felt the dark flame rise up. I went through my repertoire of efficient craftings I've learned over the years... ways to make a curse as potent and painful as possible. The pros and cons of using blood... The ways to tear at their chords in order to make them spring back like a cat o' nine tails. The Law of Return. The most emotionless to the most passionate. The sharp to the slow. I felt it. I knew. I could do this more easily than heal the situation. And oh...would it be sweet. I knew... and I did not do this.
I didn't refrain because of the fact that this could cause serious damage to someone's life and all the lives associated with them. I didn't refrain because they may die. I didn't refrain because it would be a slow torture that I'd feel badly about later. I refrained because I knew it wasn't me. I've always known that if anyone messes with those I love, I'd return some sort of...something to the situation. No mercy. Well, it didn't occur exactly how I'd expected. So, I know that saying this might seem that I'm showing my hand to those who may want to take advantage of someone and think..."Oh, she's an open target...won't fight back when pushed..." No. I just knew that the damage to my character would cause me more harm than good if I continued vengeance on pitiful human beings that would smuggle money from a man who deserves respect as an elder. I can't just ram into everything and be done with it. The situation is in need of delicate work. Besides, if I cursed someone it would indeed be a powerful one with the emotion behind it. But, I wouldn't have sorted out the working... there would be consequences on the karmic level to not only me, but those I love and care for.
So what does it mean to curse? Merriam-Webster Online says that to curse means (other than saying insolent things to a person): to call upon divine or supernatural power to send injury upon or to bring great evil upon. (1) Yup. Sounds about right. Now, some people split hairs and say that they send out a karmic-retribution spell. "It's not a curse, it's their karma coming back on them." Well, it's gonna hurt ain't it? Curse! Now. I thought about doing this as well. Less energy used on my end. All of their karma on top of what they're up to. Poof! Bam! Wack! Drip drip... ka-flunk. Thud. Nothing so amusing as the Karma Fairy popping down in a glittery cloud only to hit someone over the head with a metallic heavy blunt instrument in the shape of a baseball bat. As someone who has faith that the divine will work things out... I need to have faith that this will indeed happen at some point for those women. Only... karmic justice isn't my job. I told my brother that I am a tool for the divine and I do what I need to do...not always what I want to do.
This is one of the occasions where I must bite my spell flinging tongue and help the person who is in trouble and in need of healing. It's more difficult in my opinion to heal than it is to destroy. It takes more time usually... Now, there is a chance I might change my mind depending on the situation. However, if I do end up cursing someone... it will be a surgical strike and not a rampant rage-fest. I do wonder though... how many people who practice use curses as a regular and normal part of their lives? Depending on their perspective on how they live their life, have they found a way to make it a healthy part of their spiritual journey? Is it easier to be a passion flogged hedonist or a tedious priestess in order to send out a curse? Where does morality sink in here?
The logical side of myself steadied my hand and I decided to instead analyze the variety of frustration I was feeling. So... in response to this spiritual experimentation and grumblies, tonight I made chili as it was doing all sorts of cold weather today. Sunny, then pea-sized hail, then rain, then sleet, then rain and snow, then quiet cold... I figured chili will make up for it. I spoke with my mother while I stirred the pot splattering the microwave with tomato bits. We laughed. We hugged. We shared thoughts. We listened.
I realized the subtleties of having a mother who wants to give and create a lovingly warm night of family bonding and laughter is just as important as the subtle sharpness I felt in my shadow self. The warmth is tastier and enjoyable. The cold is easier to notice and feed off of. What do my ethics tell me of using my light and dark emotions alongside my Craft? It says: Use them both. Use them both, but be honorable in your work. Too much cold will kill parts of yourself while too much warmth can keep you from learning from the ignored and unseen. Now, you just know yourself better. Now you are ready to learn more. Even the flame holds a shadow...
Blessings,
Greymentality
(1) http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cursing
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